1. A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice. 2. In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
3. I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.
5. People can be more forgiving than you can imagine. But you have to forgive yourself. Let go of what's bitter and move on.
6. Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
8. You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.
9. Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
10. Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
12. Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
14. You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
15. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
16. Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
18. Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
19. Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.
21. A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.
22. Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
24. Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in peace and quiet.
25. If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
27. I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
28. And so the dentist says "Rinse." So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
30. A grandchild is God's reward for raising a child.
31. The worst thing to do is to die while reading LIFE magazine.
32. Man can not live by bread alone...he must have peanut butter.
33. Nothing separates the generations more than music. By the time a child is eight or nine, he has developed a passion for his own music that is even stronger than his passions for procrastination and weird clothes.
35. A sail boat that sails backwards can never see the sun rise.
37. And of course, when you see your brother in the toilet bowl…there's a little voice that say: "I wonder where he would go…"…if it hadn't been for his head…
39. Nobody ever says: "Can I have your beets?"
40. The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.
42. It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.
43. It was the arts, those noble expressions of the human spirit that are communicated through literature, dance, song, film, drama, painting and sculpture, among the many other such creative means, that helped articulate the sufferings of (these) people that were heard around the globe.
45. If you want to be seen, stand up. If you want to be heard, speak up. If you want to be appreciated, shut up.
46. Suddenly, this romantic agony was enriched by a less romantic one: I had to go to the bathroom. Needless to say, I couldn't let her know about this urge, for great lovers never did such things. The answer to "Romeo Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?" was not "In the men's room, Julie".
47. Old is always fifteen years from now.
49. As I have discovered by examining my past, I started out as a child. Coincidentally, so did my brother. My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket, so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell, who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest".
51. That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.
52. Is the glass half full, or half empty? It depends on whether you're pouring, or drinking.
54. The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns, then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
55. That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
56. Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.
58. My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood, but it didn't because parenting can only be learned by people who have no children.
60. The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
62. I am certainly not an authority on love because there are no authorities on love, just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
63. Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.
65. There is no labor a person does that is undignified; if they do it right.
66. Parents are people who yell and they yell and they yell and they yell. And you already have the point...and they're still yelling.
68. Every success story has a parent who says: "over my dead body." Every success story has an old person who walks up to you and says, when you're acting the fool, "you know I worry about you sometimes."
70. Kids need to remember that when you put something on Twitter, it's not like whispering to your friend, you've put it on a billboard that the whole world, including your own kids someday, can see.
72. If you have no faith, you've lost your battle.
73. I often try to tell kids to think about all the people who love you, don't cry over the one person who doesn't.
75. There are some people who have trouble recognizing a mess.
76. Family is conflict and it's something that we all relate to.
78. I cannot understand how the education of this United States of America has been fooled time and time again. Either make it separate but equal or integrate, therefore it will be equal. And it has been separate and unequal.
79. I want all this loud profanity in the street stopped. I want people to think about choices.
80. I was put in remedial everything.
82. I'm old, not dead.
83. Social networking helps reach people easier and quicker.
85. If you speak your mind and if it is true what you're saying, then I think the integrity of what you're saying carries through.
87. We're not raising children with the love that we need to.
88. When I say, I don't care what white people think, I mean that.
89. When a person has a gun, sometimes their mind clicks that this thing will win arguments and straighten people out.
91. When you carry a gun, you mean to harm somebody, kill somebody.
92. When you introduce competition into the public school system, most studies show that schools start to do better when they are competing for students.
94. The measure of overexposure is not how many times people see you on TV or in the bookstores. It's whether you can maintain the quality of your entertainment. If you can, people will always be glad to see you.
97. I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, mid-life for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter-miler, whose son now says: "Dad I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."
100. I don't think you can bring the races together by joking about the differences between them. I'd rather talk about the similarities, about what's universal in their experiences.
101. In America…the seven ages of man have become preschooler, Pepsi generation, baby boomer, mid-lifer, empty-nester, senior citizen, and organ donor.
103. My father wanted me to play pro football, and he didn't like the fact that I'd left school. And he said: "It takes a man to play football. And any fool can go up on the stage and make an ass of himself."
104. The day (Phylicia Rashad) got the part (of Clair on the Cosby Show), I was sitting in the back, and women were…reading with a couple of the kids. And many of them when… they were going to tell the kid off, started the head moving like a bobble doll… and when Phylicia's turn came and she was reading with Malcolm (Jamal-Warner) and he said something to her… there was a pause from her. And do you know what she did in that pause? She did something with her eyes. She didn't bop her head; she didn't throw her hand up on her hip; and she didn't say anything out loud. She cut a look that said, oh, maybe four or five things - and none of them were good. And I turned to Marcy, and I said: "That's Clair."
105. I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it.
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