1. I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great.
2. (on Dr Phil) And I'm thinking "Get your hands off Jane Fonda, you fucking douche-bag! She's Jane Fonda, and you're…you!
3. So I'm doing "Hollywood Squares", and Anna Nicole has missed the first three shows. She slept through them, and when she finally shows up for the evening tapings, she's surrounded by her whole entourage including Kimmy, her lesbian assistant who is clearly in love with her...allegedly! And Howard K Stern, that guy who lives off of her. And her cute little son Daniel who's 14 and he's just so sweet, he's so cute, and he is so totally fucked. You don't recover from your mother being Anna Nicole Smith. I'll see you at "Promises", honey. I'll meet you in the Downey-Poundstone wing.
5. If you see me on Friday, you'll see different material on Saturday night.
6. How about on Dr Phil when he talks about how hot he is? (impersonating Dr Phil) "Well, don't mind me - I'm just a jock!" On what bald guy, fat ass team are you on...Phil?7. Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.
8. I'm also doing a special for Comedy Central called Autobiography. It's going to be a spoof of Biography.9. (on Debbie Gibson) The segment producer woman is like "get rid of her, she's nobody". Like I'm just gonna go "get out Debbie!" and push her (off the stage).
10. (on William Shatner) He is like, my favorite red-faced, bloated booze bag!11. (on Martha Stewart) She speaks like she's from the foreign country called Connecticut.
12. (on Dr Phil) He's supposed to be helping people on that show. I don't like when he gets all caught up in his Southern good-old-boy colloquialisms. If somebody has a problem, he's like "Well, if you walk into a barn, and you've got a match, and there's some kerosene…" What the fuck are you talking about??? Help someone…Phil!13. Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.
14. A lot of stars don't have a sense of humor.15. The thing that cracks me up is how these reality characters start out thrilled and excited just to be on television, and how they move to thinking they are as big as the Friends.
16. I'm basically always on tour.
17. (on Destiny's Child) So all three girls are there...in those hideous outfits that their mothers' make!
21. (on Whitney Houston) She's wearing an overcoat with a fur collar and a fedora. And with her sweating issues, that was not smart. By the end of the song, she's gonna be a puddle in a hat.22. (on Marie Osmond) When you actually faint in real life, it's not graceful. It's not delicate. You don't go down in stages. And the one thing you can count on when you actually faint is that you will be showing pussy!
23. I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.
24. So I met Whitney Houston, or as I like to call her "Crackie".
25. Well, my whole thing with gossip is I couldn't care less if it's true.26. Because you know, Courtney Love was at Whitney Houston's intervention? And when Courtney Love is telling you, you're hitting the pipe too hard, it's bad!
27. The thing is, we know that some of those Osmonds have never seen a black person. And when they met Oprah, their reaction was probably (gasp) "It can talk!"
28. OK, back to Clay Aiken…or as I like to call him - the gay-kin!29. (on Ryan Seacrest) You'll have to excuse my friend, Ryan. It's the first time he's touched a woman!
30. I saw Courtney Love have one of her heroin fits…and break a guitar...and I pulled up a chair. What? You gotta be ring-side!
31. (on Clay Aiken) She comes down, and he has her stand in front of him, while he freak dances her - because he loves pussy! Except it smells like fish!
32. (on Ryan Seacrest) I don't get him! He can't sing, he can't dance, he has no talent…when is he gonna go away?33. (on Whitney Houston) At the Billboard awards, she comes backstage after performing, and as she's walking by me, she leans in and says "You're very funny." And, but like, in this tone, so it was creepy. And then she leans in and she says "Don't say anything about me." At this point, diarrhea is shooting out of my ass. At that moment, I realize that her bodyguard isn't there to protect her. He watches her kill people and laughs.
34. I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.35. So you know the rumor about Whitney Houston is that she's gay. And I mean, it's just a rumor, but that's good enough for me.
36. (on Ryan Seacrest) The 2007 Emmy Awards were a little too Cirque De Seacrest. I shouldn't say that about Ryan - she's a very good hostess.37. The thing about Anna Nicole Smith is, you know that old fart she married who kicked the bucket? Have you seen pictures of him? And then he left her $500,000,000. And I think she earned every penny. Do you want to blow him? I don't. Even if she gave him just one handjob…give it to her.
38. (on Ryan Seacrest) But the thing that's really weird about Seacrest is that he's super into grooming. He gets mani-pedi's, he gets his eyelashes dyed, he goes to Mystic Tan, he flat-irons his hair... very butch! Very typical of straight men.39. I'm always listening and watching; my ear is like a boom mike. And judging, frankly. Constantly judging.
40. I'm so sick of these celebrities confronting me. And once you've had Whitney Houston do this in your face…(waves her finger)…you learn!41. (on Lindsay Lohan) Then Lance wants to leave because he thinks Lohan is gonna beat him up. And I don't blame him. Those coke-heads can be physically unpredictable.
42. I'm not always in that good with middle-aged heterosexual men.
43. The great thing about celebrity culture is that they can't seem to stop themselves from displaying their ridiculous behavior. I feel it's my job as a serious investigative journalist to witness all kinds of behavior and then report back to the audience through the prism of my own anger and bitterness.44. My act has always reflected what's going on in my life.
45. (on Lindsay Lohan) I may have made a very harmless joke about Lindsay - that she's lost a lot of weight recently due to diet, Pilates and crack…without the diet and Pilates.46. Food is my thing, I do not smoke or drink, so food is my vice.
47. It was a nightmare having cameras in the house 10 hours a day for a month.
48. Have I gone too far?
49. My act is based on my life.50. So then on Hollywood Squares they sit me next to Little Richard. And I respect him, he's a tremendous talent and an icon, and what a freak. So I figure I'll try to make conversation. So we're talking about being on the road, and different things, and then I say "So what do you think about Michael Jackson being in trouble?" and he says "Michael Jackson is a beautiful person." And I was like "Ok, I'm out." The other thing is, he peppers his conversations with "Wooooooo!" He'll be like "Oh, we were driving the other day, and Wooooooo! it was a long trip and Wooooooo! let me tell you." And you don't know if you're supposed to do it back to him, or what?51. I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.
52. Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.
53. But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.
54. No, I love Montreal…I think I love Montreal more than Montreal loves me…I love the food there.55. I actually have to pick and chose stuff that I know I'm going to bomb at.
56. My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.
57. Is it weird that I'm more exited for Britney's wedding than my own?
58. Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.59. You know when Britney was getting married, Christina Aguilera was sitting at home watching it on T.V., eating some Cheetos, and she was like: "Whatever. I'm a whore. I said I was a whore from the beginning. Nobody thinks I'm crazy anymore. I'm consistent."
60. So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.61. A lot of celebrities, especially when you're talking about the really big ones, live in what I call the fame bubble. Nobody ever says no to them or challenges them or even teases them.
62. I like to go to a red carpet event and see what everybody's wearing and who's drunk and who's talking to whom.
63. (on Britney Spears) I love her new CD! I think it's cute, I think it's got hits, I like it, I stand by it. Though I don't know how they fucking propped her up to record it!64. So I wonder if anything should ever be off limits.
65. I also don't have a desire to be on the A-list. I feel more people can relate to the D-list than the A-list.
66. Me and Adnan shopping for lingerie? I hope this doesn't push Britney over the edge. But if it does, I so hope I'm totally there to see it!67. That's what I loved about Temptation Island. I don't even know why they did it.
68. (on Paris Hilton) I actually know her a little bit. I've met her a few times, I did a photo shoot with her one time, and based on that, I'm here to tell you, that she is actually…ahm…(pauses)…retarded!
69. I also love Mole, the unsung hero of reality programming.
70. I am in love with Larry David.71. (on Paris Hilton) Can you believe that they actually gave her an award for coining the phrase "that's hot". So she comes and she delivers her illuminous speech (imitating Paris)"Thanks you guys…you guys are really hot…I'm hot…you're hot…blah blah blah". Only small dogs far, far away in the canyon could hear it. Wooh-wooh, whoooo...
72. The beauty about the D-list is that people who are on it probably don't know they are.73. I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.
74. (on Paris Hilton) And in real life, she's always talking on that sparkly pink mobile phone. I think that if I took that phone from her and listened in, I'd hear "At the third stroke, the time will be…"
75. The thing that bums me out about "The Real World" is I don't want to believe that teenagers are that stupid.76. Well, Jon Hamm isn't a real celebrity.
77. Nicole Richie is the one I don't get. She's famous, she's a household name, and yet she's like "I'm the adopted daughter of a pop star and I don't care to eat". That's all she's bringing to the table...certainly not food!
78. I can say whatever I want. So do not bring the kids. It's definitely rated R.
79. When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.80. I do road gigs occasionally but I don't want to go out on the road for months at a time.
81. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things, I make mistakes constantly. But when I'm on stage, I'm at a microphone...it's a joke!82. I have a no-apology policy.
83. Alright, Macy Gray…what exactly is wrong with her? She for sure, has a little mental retardation…allegedly!
84. Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.
85. (on Macy Gray) Is there anything more charming than a grown woman with a baby voice? I'm hard thinking about it.86. I hate it, it is tedious...when I write for my act, it is very improvisational, I write bullet points, I cannot sit in front of a computer; that is not my style.
87. I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.
88. I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.89. (on Macy Gray) So there she is, finger-bangin' her own mout…
90. (on Paula Abdul) I don't know what she's on, I'm not a pharmacist.
91. I love to make fun of fashion because it is just so silly.92. I'll be honest, there's a part of me that does think I'm held to a different standard than my contemporaries and peers, and it's a little frustrating.
93. I have what I call A-list moments, but believe me, I'm still on the D-list.
94. I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.
95. I love to work. I love doing standup.96. (on Paula Abdul) Have you noticed this year, that Paula has trouble keeping both of her eyes open at the same time? The right one kinda wants to go down for sleepy time, and the left one's like "wake up, you're on TV", but I'm tired… "no, no not yet!", but you promised…"but it's not 9'o'clock yet". It's like the ancient struggle between good and evil on her own face.
98. I'm not somebody who no matter where I go there are paparazzi or any of that nonsense. But I have a little window into that world and I can enter it and dance around. I want to be the audience's ticket into the party.
99. (on Celine Dion) So I'm sitting there, patting her hair like a crazy person. Patting her hair! And finally I go "I'm patting your hair - that's really weird right?". And then, without missing a beat, she goes: "Woof woof, then I will bark like (a) dog for you!"100. If you have not seen the Celine Dion Vegas show, tomorrow, get a plane ticket, go to Vegas…it is the biggest freak show you will ever see! It's Cirque De Celine.
101. (on Oprah Winfrey) 'Cause you know my joke is that I love her but she thinks she's Jesus? And when she gets a paper cut she's like "Oh, stigmata?". Get off the cross and do your show!102. (on Paula Abdul) Anyone who says "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift I am" deserves a little shit from me!
103. I should just call up Gayle, say, do it…and Oprah's not even that nice.(Impersonating Oprah) "Gaaaayle", she gives her that look, "Gayle!…GAAAAAYYYYYLE FIIIIIX THE BIBLIOTECAAAAAAAA!" and boom, it'd be fixed.104. (on Celine Dion) (Impersonating Celine) "This next song is for all the parents in the audience, and also the children"…(looks puzzled)…that's just everybody, right?
105. It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.
106. (on Oprah Winfrey) She's now very thin, very cranky…and very hungry! 107. Here's the truth: when Sharon Stone asks you to do something, you just do it! If Sharon Stone asked me to eat her poo I'd be like: "yeah, what's a good time for you?" (Pretending to eat poo) "This is really good poo, Sharon, thanks!" (addressing audience) Stop picturing it...and come back! And you thought the Anna Nicole hand-job was bad!108. (on the Olsen Twins) So anyway, I walk over to see Mary Kate, and there she is…Cousin It from The Addams Family! What? I'm saying she's petite and has long wavy hair…like Cousin It! She's really, really cute and she's dressed like a a little hippie, she's got a sparkly head-band and bell-bottoms. I was like "where your fucking tambourine?"So anyway, I walk over to her and I go "what's up, fat ass?"109. It was like the clash of the titans. Oprah in the black corner, and (Barbara) Streisand in the ivory. I love them both - two strong, black women!
110. (on Eminem) Nothing makes me more uncomfortable than white people who talk black! I mean, it's fun on Ricki Lake, but in real life…111. Britney, Whitney, Oprah too. You know what I think of you. And ladies it's a fact that without you I've got no act. Ryan Seacrest, Dr Phil. You may think I'm crass and shrill. But kid's it's just a show, shit don't you assholes know? When I call you a bitch it's 'cause I love you. I only speak the truth because I care. It's homo love I'm makin' when I call Akin, Gaykin, He needs a friend to say you put your sacred semen where? If I call you a cunt it means you're special, each insult is like sunshine from above. It means Paula's cute and spunky when I say that dwarf's a junkie. Yes, when I call you a bitch it's filled with love. When I scream Kirstie Alley's back at I.H.O.P. it's just so Jenny Craig can rent a crane. Don't call me a pariah just because I love Mariah and prove it every time I shout that bitch is still insane.112. Whenever I see someone with a hat, I'm thinking "You're a tool. What're you gonna prove?"
113. I was sitting at the Olsen twins' booth. And let me tell you something, I'm fucking scared of those little midgets. Have you seen them in pictures, the way they put their heads together with those big eyes like "Children of the Corn"? It's scarey!
114. How is it that a man who doesn't watch TV, watches Oprah? She gets in your head, man! She gets in there, and she fucks with it!115. (on Celine Dion) Every time she walks out (on stage), she acts like she's shocked anyone showed up! Every night! As if every single day, at about 3 o'clock, she's like: "You know, Rene maybe tonight is the night they do not come?"
116. I'm very supportive of Oprah. And her boyfriend, Gayle.
117. (on the Olsen Twins) And so I said to her (Mary Kate) "I really came here to gawk at famous people, so who's here that's famous?" And she goes "well, right now, it's just you and me. But give this place thirty minutes, and it turns into a celebrity fuckfest!"
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1. I think a Celebrity Survivor would be great. 
