1. Dogs smoke in France. 2. I kept hearing that metal is dead and Ozzy's dead and people that like Ozzy are dead. I have never had an empty seat. I've always sold out, so who's saying it's all over?
3. Every time I mention the vagina doctor, you get this little smirk on your face.
5. Bubbles! Oh come on Sharon! I'm f*cking Ozzy Osbourne , I'm the Prince of f*cking Darkness. Evil! Evil! What's f*cking evil about a sh*tload of bubbles!?
7. Turn that thing off, its driving me mad!
8. I suppose Americans get a kick out of watching a crazy Brit family like us make complete fools of ourselves every week.
9. I can honestly say, all the bad things that ever happened to me were directly, directly attributed to drugs and alcohol. I mean, I would never urinate at the Alamo at nine o'clock in the morning dressed in a woman's evening dress sober.
11. I love the smell of armpits in the morning. It's like victory.
12. (recalling an LSD trip) There were these horses in a field. They were talking to me.
14. It wasn't as if I had a list, I didn't have a resumé saying Tuesday - have a pint, strangle the wife, Wednesday - get bail.
15. I've had every known chemical - cocaine, booze - and tobacco is the hardest one in the world for me to quit. You watch old flicks? It's suggestion by looking at something: You see a cigarette, and it makes you want to smoke!
17. I want to be American. America is the coolest place on the face of the Earth. You've got freedom of speech. You've got McDonald's.
19. Being sober on a bus is, like, totally different than being drunk on a bus.
20. (on Sharon Osbourne's colon cancer diagnosis) I freaked out. She's the love of my life, and she's also, like, the controller. I couldn't sleep with her for nine months because I was scared of waking up and she'd died in the night.
21. (Black) Sabbath were a hippy band. We were into peace.
23. That night, at God knows what hour, Bill phoned me up and shouted: "Ozzy, I think my house is haunted!" "Sell tickets then," I told him, and put the phone down.
24. (on kicking drugs and alcohol for the first time) All I have to say is this. Sobriety F***ing Sucks!
26. This has all been such an amazing journey for me. I can vividly remember sitting on the step of my house in Aston, just tripping about what it would be like to be a Beatle. And then, here I am at 58, and I'm at Elton John's party. All these megastars are there, Paul McCartney or whatever. And there's me with them, standing with all these people I used to admire. It's like I've been in the music industry for 30, 40 years, and it's just been incredible really.
28. A life of booze, drugs and unprotected sex is only going to f*** you up! I mean, look at me!
29. Viagra's a great sleeping drug. I take Viagra, and Sharon goes right to sleep.
31. It had a huge impact on me - "Smells Like Teen Spirit" - and I was very proud when I found out that Kurt Cobain was a fan of mine. I thought he was awesome.
33. (It) could be worse…I could be Sting.
34. I knew I was in trouble when I couldn't make it offstage quick enough to get whatever variety of shit I was tipping down me. I thought to myself: There are people working in gas stations, and all these menial jobs, to put money aside to see the Ozzfest, and I'm more interested in going back to the hotel, and doing a bag of white powder, or whatever shit it is I'm on.
36. Sometimes I think my whole career and life has only been about a bloody Bat!
37. Hating people isn't a productive way of living. So what's the point in hating anyone? There's enough hate in the world as it is, without me adding to it.
38. I got rabies shots for biting the head off a bat but that's OK - the bat had to get Ozzy shots.
40. You gotta be really careful what you bite off. Don't bite off more than you can chew. It's a dangerous world.
41. I keep hearing this (expletive) thing that guns don't kill people, but people kill people. If that's the case, why do we give people guns when they go to war? Why not just send the people?
43. I have a saying. "Never judge a book by its cover". I say that because I don't even know who Ozzy is. I wake up a new person every day.
45. My father always said I would do something big one day."I've got a feeling about you, John Osbourne," he'd tell me, after he'd had a few beers."You're either going to do something very special, or you're going to go to prison." And he was right, my old man. I was in prison before my eighteenth birthday.
47. All that stuff about heavy metal and hard rock, I don't subscribe to any of that. It's all just music. I mean, the heavy metal from the Seventies sounds nothing like the stuff from the Eighties, and that sounds nothing like the stuff from the Nineties. Who's to say what is and isn't a certain type of music?
49. The funny thing is, I was never much of a fighter. Better a live coward than a dead hero, that was my motto.
50. I live in a 9 million dollar turd.
51. I hate these fucking stretch bastards junk pimp mobiles!
53. What is the world coming to?
54. What can go wrong will go wrong.
55. I can't do anything in moderation.
56. The power of people, when they focus on something positive, never fails to amaze me.
58. The Jesus freaks were the worst. While the "Suicide Solution" case was going through the courts they followed me around everywhere. They would picket my shows with signs that read: "The Anti-Christ Is Here". And they'd always be chanting: "Put Satan behind you! Put Jesus in front of you!" One time, I made my own sign - a smiley face with the words "Have a Nice Day" - and went out and joined them. They didn't even notice. Then, just as the gig was about to start, I put down the sign, said: "See ya, guys," and went back to my dressing room.
60. I used to get upset by people not understanding me, but I've made a career out of it now.
61. Whenever I have a bad day I just think of these people.
63. Somebody said to me this morning: "To what do you attribute your longevity?" I don't know. I mean, I couldn't have planned my life out better. By all accounts I should be dead! The abuse I put my body through: the drugs, the alcohol, the lifestyle I've lived the last 30 years!
65. I am a raging alcoholic and a raging addict and I didn't want to see my kids do the same thing.
67. I wish I didn't have to perform "Iron Man" every night.
68. I don't know whose brilliant idea that was, but it wasn't mine, that's for sure.
70. Pink Floyd was music for rich college kids, and we were the exact f**king opposite of that.
71. When you're young, you're stupid. You do silly things.
73. I cannot turn down this incredible honor twice.
76. They teach you how to handle life in England, but they don't teach you a thing about death. There's no book telling you what to do when your mum or dad dies.
78. "The world doesn't revolve around Tony (Iommi)," he said. "There'll be other guitarists." He was a good guy, my old man. But this time he was wrong. There were no other guitarists. Not like Tony.
80. The most unbelievable thing about my behavior is that I was convinced it was entirely f**king normal.
81. I couldn't be a royal. It's like living in a supersonic goldfish bowl.
82. "OSBOURNE!" he shouted. "YOU'RE A DISGRACE TO YOURSELF AND TO THIS SCHOOL. BRING ME A SHOE." The room went so quiet you could have heard a mouse fart.
84. I grew up having to piss in a bucket 'cos there was no indoor shitter, and now I have these computerized Japanese super-loo things that have heated seats and wash and blow-dry your arse at the touch of a button. Give it a couple of years and I'll have a bog with a robot arm that pulls out my turds, so I don't have to strain.
86. In 1964 something totally unexpected happened. I got a job I enjoyed.
87. I'm a very simple man. You've got to have, like, a computer nowadays to turn the TV on and off…and the nightmare continues.
88. You've got to try and take things to the next level, or you'll just get stuck in a rut.
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