1. I'm taking an acting class online; it's easy. 2. I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.
3. Hold on everyone, a tortoise just passed out.
4. Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.
5. No one cares about your riffs, your bits. You're so drunk...these are mannequins, Goddammit.
7. Whenever my Asian roommate walks in the door, I play this. (plays a very stereotypical chinese tune) And she says: "Zach, why do you do that every time I come in the room?" and I say: "Because I don't have a gong."
9. I like to read the Bible in really public places, like on the subway... and just mutter things to myself like "Oh, bullshit!"
10. My name is Zach Galifianakis, and growing up my Dad had a saying for our last name: "it begins with a "Gal" and ends in a "Kiss". I'd be like that's great dad but can we get it changed to "GalifianaFUCK please?".
12. Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?
13. I'll tell you something that a girl does not like for you to whisper in her ear, and that is "I'm going to perform Jihad on your vagina".
15. I would just like to request something; it's this bit you used to do called "The Ending."
16. My dream was always to be in "Blade 3."
18. I tried to put some ecstasy in some Diet Snapple.
19. One time, I stuck an altoid in my butthole. (pause) That's it.
21. Am I the only one tired of this Ben Franklin motherfucker? Electricity? What the fuck is he talking about?
23. I knew from day one, when the VH1 guys came in and said: "Don't make fun of Cher, don't make fun of Sheryl Crow." Whatever their rotation was at the time. I was like: "Well, this isn't a good marriage."
24. Seriously! , this is a DVD! I need dinosaurs, thunder, race wars, something! Dammit, I gotta sell this motherfucker...36.63
26. Head gear, plus acne equals...table for one in the cafeteria.
28. When I first got to L.A., I had a pretty good setup. I convinced a mechanic to let me live in an Audi that was waiting to get fixed. I'd drive it around for a while, then it would break down and have to be fixed again, which meant I got to keep it for a little while longer. It was kind of an everybody-wins situation, except for the poor lady who was waiting for her Audi.
30. How come girls can say: "I'm going to go to brunch with my girlfriend", and no one assumes anything, but when I say: "My boyfriend and I are going shopping for fanny packs", everyone thinks I'm a gay? - that's right, A gay.
32. Did you ever wake up with an erection...and find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
33. My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.
35. If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.
36. Wherever there's something that people don't feel comfortable talking about, that's where the good jokes are...A bad comic follows his audience, catering to whatever they want; a good comic will always lead.
38. My New Year's resolution was to stop saying "you go girl" to myself.
39. I was talking to my mom the other day, and she called me a weirdo. It was the first time I'd ever heard her say that, and I told her that I thought she was weird. So we got that out of the way. I think that I could be in porno, but as long as I was flying my parents around, they wouldn't really care.
41. You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.
43. I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called: "Dude, Where's My Spaceship."
45. You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
46. I love to do shows in unlikely places, because the audience's expectations are less fixed.
48. I really want to leave New York City, but I just put 6,000 dollars on my Metrocard.
49. I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
50. I'm greek and I have sinus problems and I know why. My body produces feta cheese. It's not really a joke. It's just a fact...allow me to open up.
52. I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
54. Have you ever been so drunk you wet the bed? Not even sleeping, just standing over, pissing on it?
55. I never really did the club stuff; I'm really kind of a wimp that way. I just stay mostly in Los Angeles and perform in front of people wearing ironic T-shirts. That or a few goth chicks.
57. Don't boo people! Don't boo! Be more specific! Like: "WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?! I HATE THAT! I HATE IT!"
58. Sometimes, I like to glue my spare change to my face. Then, when a homeless person comes up to me and asks "Do you have any spare change?" I get to say "Sorry, it's glued to my face."
61. You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick-drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say: "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
63. You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.
64. I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
65. I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!
67. It was in the back of a hamburger joint in Times Square. I did a joke about not wanting to sleep on a girl's futon because it rhymed with crouton. I do not recall anyone laughing.
69. I have horrible luck with women...and it's all my fault.
70. My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
72. A girl I was dating once told me on the phone: "Can you hold? There's a telemarketer on the other line."
74. Have you seen that show on CBS called "The Amazing Race"? Is that show about white people?
76. I'm classically trained... just not in piano.
78. I'd like to do a reality show with four white people...who are dropped off in a really bad black neighborhood. And the show would be called...Cracker Hunt.
79. At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
80. I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
82. I feel that living your life in contradiction keeps one confused and happy... It makes me laugh when people miscommunicate. I like walking over bridges and hate Donald Trump or anything like him. The entertainment business is both poison and honey.
84. Katie Holmes called my beard for advice.
85. Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said: "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.
88. I was at an Arby's today and I thought to myself: "Oh shit, I should be taking someone's order!"
90. I wanna open up a maternity shop and call it "We're fucked".
91. This year my New Year's resolution was to stop saying: "Seacrest out!" after I ejaculate.
92. Reality shows are big now, Survivor , Temptation Island, The Mole. I want to make a show with three racist white people that live in the South Bronx. It will be called ...Cracker Hunt.
94. This country is fucking dumb, why are people takin' this… people with this Bush administration all this shit going on, there should be a revolution happening… I would lead it but I just bought a hammock.
96. I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
97. I call my balls the bush twins.
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